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DIY or Call a Pro? Risk Ladder for Humane Evictions


Hey there, human. Lydia back again—your reformed garden-raider turned wildlife wisdom dispenser. 


After our chats about deer repellents that actually work and humane eviction basics [link to previous blog], I've been getting questions from you folks. Mostly variations of "Lydia, there's something under my deck and I don't know if I should handle this myself or call someone who actually knows what they're doing."


Fair question. Just because you can buy a one-way door on Amazon doesn't mean you should be crawling under your house at midnight playing wildlife evictor. Trust me, I've watched enough of you humans attempt DIY evictions to know when things are about to go sideways.


So let's talk about my Risk Ladder—think of it as your "Should I Even Try This?" guide. Because sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit you're in over your head and call someone who won't accidentally create a wildlife hostage situation.


The Risk Ladder: From "You Got This" to "Put Down the Hardware Cloth and Back Away Slowly"


Picture a ladder. At the bottom, you're dealing with straightforward stuff—like convincing my buddy Grady the Groundhog to find a new apartment. At the top? You're in "federal agents might get involved" territory. Let's climb it together, shall we?


🟢 Tier 1: DIY-Friendly (AKA "Even Your Neighbor Don Could Handle This")


What We're Talking About:

  • Single critter under your deck or shed (hi, it's probably a skunk, opossum, or groundhog)

  • No babies involved (this is crucial—more on that later)

  • Easy access to the area

  • Rabbits treating your garden like their personal salad bar


The Game Plan:

Remember that L-footer technique from our last chat? The one that made even Grady the Groundhog give up? This is where it shines. Pre-seal with hardware cloth, leave one escape route, install a one-way door (think of it as a "checkout only" lane at the wildlife hotel), wait a few nights, then close up shop permanently.


Red Flags That Bump You Up the Ladder:

  • Baby sounds (they're not subtle—imagine tiny, insistent complaints)

  • Multiple holes (congratulations, you're the landlord of an apartment complex)

  • The animal seems drunk or aggressive (that's not normal—could be rabies, and that's a hard NOPE from me)


Story time: Last spring, I watched a human successfully evict a skunk from under their shed using this method. The skunk left peacefully, found a better spot two houses down (under the deck of that guy who still thinks mothballs work), and everyone was happy. That's a Tier 1 success story.


🟡 Tier 2: Advanced DIY+ (Or "You Better Have Watched Some YouTube Videos")


What We're Talking About:

  • Tight crawlspaces that'll test your flexibility and your claustrophobia

  • Multiple entry points (it's like wildlife installed their own doggy doors)

  • Groundhog-proofing a garden (these guys are professional excavators)

  • Installing chipmunk-proof bed liners (yes, that's a thing)


Why This Isn't "Easy":

You're going to be cutting and fitting mesh while potentially being watched by judgmental wildlife. You need to be thorough—miss one spot, and we'll find it. Trust me, I’ve seen rabbits squeeze through a 2-inch gap that a human swore was "definitely too small."


Plus, that dig-proof L-footer isn't optional here. Grady once told me he considers non-L-footer fences "gentle recommendations" rather than actual barriers.


🟠 Tier 3: Pro Recommended (Or "This Is Getting Spicy")


What We're Talking About:

  • Raccoon families in your attic (they didn't even submit a booking request)

  • Complex rooflines with more holes than Swiss cheese

  • Mysterious piles of... let's call them "wildlife calling cards"

  • Bats (just... bats)


Why You Want a Pro:

Remember when I mentioned raccoon latrines being nasty? Let me paint you a picture: Baylisascaris eggs (raccoon roundworm) are basically indestructible. Most chemicals won't kill them. They need specific heat treatment and handling protocols. This isn't "grab some gloves and hope for the best" territory.


Plus, bat exclusions are like performing surgery—timing is everything. In Florida, you can only evict bats from August 15 to April 15. Try it during maternity season, and you're not just breaking the law—you're separating bat moms from flightless babies. That’s cold, human.


🔴 Tier 4: Do NOT DIY (Or "Step Away from the Ladder, Sir")


The Absolute No-Go Zones:

  • Active Bird Nests: Those chirping bundles in your eaves? Under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, they have better lawyers than you. Touch an active nest of a protected species, and you'll be explaining yourself to federal agents. Only house sparrows, European starlings, and rock pigeons are fair game, and even then, are you really sure that's a house sparrow? Because if you're wrong…

  • Bat Maternity Season: I cannot stress this enough—baby bats cannot fly. Exclude the adults, and you've just created a bat orphanage in your attic. It's illegal, inhumane, and the smell…well, that’s not the way you want to keep critters away.

  • Rabies Suspects: If something bit you, scratched you, or you found a bat in a room with a sleeping person—STOP. This isn't DIY territory; this is "call public health immediately" territory. Rabies is essentially 100% fatal once symptoms appear. Don't mess around.

  • Chemical "Solutions": Still thinking about mothballs? Using them as outdoor repellents is illegal. ILLEGAL. As in, actual laws broken, actual fines issued. Plus, they don't even work. You're just poisoning your yard while we animals laugh at your efforts.

  • The Relocation Fantasy: "I'll just trap it and drive it to that nice forest!" No. First, it's illegal in many states (looking at you, Massachusetts). Second, you're basically dropping that animal in a foreign country with no map, no friends, and no idea where food is. Most relocated wildlife die within weeks. Just evict them properly and let them find their own new spot.


The 5-Minute Pre-Check (Or "Measure Twice, Evict Once")


Before you do ANYTHING:


1. Species ID: Know your opponent. Is it me (a deer)? Then why are you trying to evict me from under your deck? I don't fit under there. Think, human, think.


2. Baby Check: Listen for the universal sound of "I'm baby and I need my mom"—soft chirps, whimpers, or mewing. If you hear it, full stop.


3. Activity Confirmation: That flour-at-the-entrance trick? Still gold. Or stuff newspaper loosely in the hole—if it moves, someone's home.


4. Gear Up: Gloves, mask, and keep the kids away. This isn't a teaching moment; it's a "potentially dangerous wildlife situation" moment.


5. Exit Strategy: Plan your exclusion method BEFORE you start. Nothing worse than successfully evicting something only to have it move back in the next night because you didn't have your L-footer ready.


The Bottom Line from Your Four-Hooved Friend


Look, I get it. You want to handle things yourself. It's the human way—you built civilization on DIY spirit and YouTube tutorials. But sometimes, calling a pro isn't admitting defeat; it's admitting you value your time, health, and legal record.


If you're in Green or Yellow territory and feeling confident? Go for it. Follow the steps, be thorough, and know that even this deer respects a well-executed L-footer.


But if you're looking at Orange or Red situations? Put down the hardware cloth and pick up the phone. There's no shame in calling someone who does this for a living. They have the gear, the know-how, and most importantly, the right timing charts for your state's wildlife laws.


Remember: The goal isn't to "win" against wildlife. It's to coexist peacefully—you in your house, us in appropriate outdoor spaces that aren't under your deck.


Stay smart, stay legal, and for the love of alfalfa, stop with the mothballs already.


Hooves and hugs,

Lydia

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