The Humane Eviction Playbook: Room-by-Room, Species-by-Species

Part 2 of the Living With Wildlife (Without Losing Your Mind) Series

Well hello again, my two-legged friends. Lydia here—your favorite reformed garden-destroyer and current wildlife mediator.

After our discussions about deer repellents, basic evictions, and the risk ladder, I realized we need to get specific. Like, really specific. Because saying "something's in my house" is about as helpful as me saying "I ate some plants today." Which plants? Where? Was it your prized roses or just some clover? Details matter, people.

So today, we're going room by room, species by species, problem by problem. Think of this as your field guide to "What's That Noise and How Do I Make It Stop Without Being a Jerk About It."

And before you ask—yes, even though I'm a deer who's never actually been in your attic, I've watched enough of my friends get evicted to know what works. Plus, I've got insider intel from everyone from Betty the Bat to Grady the Groundhog.

The Universal Pre-Game Warning (Because Lawyers and Common Sense)

Before we dive into your attic adventures, let me hit you with the reality check:

Birds Are Basically Royalty

Those feathered squatters in your eaves? Protected by federal law. The Migratory Bird Treaty Act doesn't mess around. Touch an active nest with eggs or babies, and you'll have more than angry birds to deal with—you'll have angry federal agents. Only the three troublemakers (house sparrows, European starlings, rock pigeons) are fair game, and even then, can you really tell a house sparrow from a...not house sparrow? Yeah, didn't think so.

Bats Have Union Rules

Betty the Bat asked me to remind you that bat evictions have blackout dates. Try to evict during baby season, and you're creating a bunch of bat Bambis (*shudders*) in your attic. It's illegal and inhumane.

The Scary Stuff

Rabies is real, folks. Mostly in bats, raccoons, skunks, and foxes. And raccoon poop? It can carry brain-invading roundworms that laugh at your regular cleaning products. You need heat—like boiling water or flame. This isn't the time to test your immune system.

Still Thinking About Mothballs?!

Have you not been reading this series? STOP. Using them outdoors is illegal. As in "actual fines" illegal. Plus, they don't work. You're just making your yard smell like a grandma's closet while we animals continue our regularly scheduled programming.

Now, let's tour your house from a wildlife perspective, shall we?

ATTIC & SOFFITS: The Penthouse Suite Nobody Asked For

The Usual Suspects: Raccoons (the party animals), Squirrels (the morning critters), Bats (the quiet roommates)

The Clues:

• Night thumps that sound like someone's bowling = Raccoons (they're not subtle)

• Dawn/dusk skittering like tiny construction workers = Squirrels

• Mysterious squeaking with bonus poop stains = Bats (Betty says sorry about that)

The Humane Game Plan:

Remember Rocky the Raccoon from down the street? He lived in three different attics before someone finally did this right. Here's what worked:

1. Find the main entrance (usually where the soffit got lazy and stopped meeting the roof properly)

2. Seal everything else—and I mean EVERYTHING. Squirrels can squeeze through a golf ball-sized hole

3. Install a one-way door at the main entrance—think of it as a "checkout only" lane

The Permanent Fix:

After 2-3 nights of blessed silence, remove that one-way door and seal that last hole like your life depends on it. Back every vent with hardware cloth. Install critter-proof covers. Make Fort Knox look welcoming by comparison.

Rocky's review: "I was mad for like a day, then I found a better attic two blocks over. The one without exclusion. 10/10 would not attempt re-entry."

CHIMNEYS & VENTS: The Accidental Highways

The Usual Suspects: Raccoons (again), Birds (the confused ones)

The Clues:

• Chattering in the chimney like someone's trying to have a conversation

• Mysterious soot at the hearth (Santa it ain't)

• That dryer vent that sounds... occupied

What NOT to Do:

Do not—I repeat—DO NOT try to "smoke them out." That's not eviction; that's attempted murder. We're going for humane here, remember?

The Smart Solution:

Sally Squirrel once told me about getting stuck in a chimney. The homeowner installed a one-way device at the top, monitored for a few nights, then capped that chimney proper. Sally found a nice tree instead. Everyone won.

Get yourself a UL-listed spark-arrestor chimney cap (fancy words for "animal-proof lid") and screen those exhaust vents with manufacturer-approved guards. Your dryer still needs to breathe, but Larry the Lizard doesn't need to move in.

DECKS, PORCHES & SHEDS: The Suburban Wildlife Motels

The Usual Suspects: Skunks (the aromatherapy enthusiasts), Groundhogs (like Grady), Opossums (the misunderstood night shift)

The Clues:

• Single oval entrance with a dirt pile = Someone's renovating

• Eau de Skunk = Self-explanatory

• Broad excavations that look professional = Grady's friends

• Tail drag marks = Opossums (they're doing their best, okay?!)

The Eviction Special:

This is where that L-footer technique shines like a diamond. 

1. Wrap the base in galvanized hardware cloth like you're gift-wrapping for someone you really don't like

2. Leave ONE opening (this is crucial—don't trap anyone inside)

3. Install the one-way door, let it work its magic for a few nights

4. Finish with the L-footer of doom—12-18 inches out, or 10-12 inches down

Grady's testimony: "That L-footer? Couldn't dig under it, couldn't push through it. Moved to the Johnson's shed instead. They don't read Lydia's blog."

CRAWLSPACES & FOUNDATIONS: The Forgotten Frontier

The Usual Suspects: Everything small enough to squeeze through

The Clues:

• Cold drafts where there shouldn't be any

• Gnaw marks that look like someone's been practicing their whittling

• Noises from below that make you question your sanity

The Fix:

Same principle as decks, but now you're army-crawling in the dark. Fun! Tie hardware cloth to every structural member like your heating bill depends on it (because it does). Install that continuous L-footer. Screen those vents. Add sweeps to hatches.

Pro tip from Oliver Opossum: "Humans always forget the crawlspace hatch. That's like leaving your front door open with a welcome mat."

GARAGE & UTILITY ROOMS: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffets

The Usual Suspects: Mice, Rats, Anyone looking for pet food

The Clues:

• Droppings that look like chocolate sprinkles (they're not)

• Gnaw marks on everything

• That bag of birdseed that's mysteriously getting lighter

The Reality Check:

Your garage is basically a wildlife convenience store. Pet food? Check. Bird seed? Check. That bag of grass seed you forgot about? Gourmet dining.

The Solution:

• Seal those gaps with steel wool backed by hardware cloth (mice hate the texture, can't chew through the metal)

• Door sweeps on everything

• Store food in sealed containers—actual sealed, not "folded over the bag top" sealed

GARDENS & BEDS: My Former Domain**

The Usual Suspects: Rabbits (the neat eaters), Groundhogs (the excavators), Chipmunks (the bulb bandits)

The Clues:

• Clean 45° cuts on stems = Rabbits (they're very precise)

• Your entire plant missing = Probably me, sorry

• Bulbs dug up like buried treasure = Chipmunks

The Defense System:

Look, I'll be honest—we're going to try. But you can make us try elsewhere:

For Rabbits: 2-foot fence, 1-inch mesh or smaller, pinned tight to the ground. They're like furry Houdinis, but even they have limits.

For Grady's Groundhog Crew: That L-footer is non-negotiable. They're professional diggers. Respect their skills and defend accordingly.

For Chipmunk Raiders: Line your beds with ¼-inch hardware cloth extending a foot past the edges. It's like installing a underground security system for your tulips.

The "What NOT to Do" Hall of Shame

• Mothballs** (Still illegal, still don't work, stop asking)

• Blocking without checking (Not the way to enter a villain era)

• Playing doctor with wildlife (You're not Dr. Dolittle)

• Assuming the problem will "go away" (Spoiler: it won't)

Your Room-by-Room Battle Plan Checklist

• Attic: One-way door installed, vents screened, final seal complete

• Chimney: Cap purchased and installed, vents guarded

• Deck/Shed: L-footer installed, one-way door monitored

• Crawlspace: Every gap sealed, continuous barrier installed

• Garage: Food secured, gaps sealed, door sweeps installed

• Garden: Appropriate fencing up, L-footers where needed, natural repellent[link]

The Bottom Line from Your Antlered Advisor

Every room in your house is a potential wildlife apartment, and every gap is a door. The good news? Once you properly evict and seal, we move on. We're not trying to wage war—we're just looking for easy opportunities. Remove the "easy" part, and we'll find somewhere else.

Remember: One-way doors for humane eviction, L-footers for permanent exclusion, and timing that doesn't separate families. It's not rocket science, but it does require attention to detail.

And please, for the love of fresh clover, stop leaving pet food in your garage. That's just asking for trouble.

Stay sealed, stay humane, and stay one step ahead of us critters.

Hooves and hugs,

Lydia

P.S. - Grady wanted me to add that he's very happy in his new den (location undisclosed) and holds no grudges about the L-footer situation. He's actually impressed you humans finally figured out something that works. His exact words: "Took them long enough."